Ask Me Anything: August 2017

A monthly round up of questions asked by you!

What are some of your favorite beauty tricks? My favorites are posted here. Basically, I focus on biohacking anti-aging and health. You have a genetic framework you’re working within. Feeding yourself the right things, while using science to mitigate what it can, is my favorite approach to looking and feeling great at every age.

I’m so nervous when I’m about to ask a girl out. How do I do it? It depends on why you’re nervous. Don’t fear rejection. Being rejected by another person really speaks about them. Either they’re not into you (and that means absolutely nothing about who you are, it’s that they don’t see alignment), or they’re fearful themselves. Either way you have zero control or influence about this. Think of her like a bird. You can call it to you and it may or may not come near you. Means nothing about you, it’s all about them. I always see it as a gift… they just eliminated the drama from your life. Having a fearful partner, or someone who really doesn’t appreciate you, only causes problems. So… ask her out with joy and excitement. Be confident in your value, smile to show you’re interested, and talk. If she’s open, she will say yes.

I’ve met the perfect woman but I don’t think it’s going to work out because I don’t have time to put into the relationship. What do I do? Priorities. If you’re allocating your time to what you want most out of life than you need to accept the consequences of your choices. I have a few clients who work on their “life balance”, especially executives that have focused on their career so long they forgot to develop a relationship/partnership with a significant other. That you’ve defined her as “perfect” means something. You might have found someone who would be an ideal partner for you. That type of relationship is rare, a real partnership in your significant other. You’ll need to reflect and ask why you aren’t prioritizing time to develop this relationship. What’s holding you back? Only then can you decide if change is necessary.

I’m working with a new executive team that wants to make big changes, but their actions say otherwise. How do I communicate with them without going crazy? It’s the “…without going crazy” part that’s hard. Let’s focus first on how to communicate with them. People find change very difficult… for a few reasons. One, we are hard-wired to make a habit out of everything. So they have habitualized not only how they do their job, but also how they learn and grow. Second, most people fear change because they see the outcome as an unknown (or they fear negative consequences of the change regardless of logic and fact.) The larger the group, or the more invested they are, the more difficult the change. Focus on the shared goal you’re trying to achieve and break down actions into defined and objective steps that someone can own. “Big” changes are tough because they will disrupt the comfort zone. Have the discussion that they embrace fear and commit to very specific weekly/monthly/quarterly milestones… or that they choose a less aggressive goal as a whole.

I think I’m dating a psychopath. He was wonderful and attentive at first, now he’s a total ass and wants nothing to do with us. How did I not see this? People no longer come with QR codes on their forehead, and thus you will not know much about them in a short time. Some people share a lot, others are more reserved, and true psychopaths have very specific goals when it comes to relationships. You probably did “see” it, you just brushed off those red flags. “I shouldn’t be so judgemental, and give him some slack as we get to know each other”. “Maybe he’s just bitter from a past relationship.” “Maybe he’s not the type that shares.” Etc. Always go with your intuition and regardless of how cute or brilliant they are and end the relationship if your gut pulls you back. My gut is always (always) right… so is yours. Appreciate intuition. It’s our significantly faster sub conscience seeing the pattern and reacting way before our conscious brain can catch up.

I want to hire top talent but the company I work for has restrictions that limit attractiveness. They won’t support remote workers and won’t pay for experience/expertise. Then they don’t want top talent. As an IT consultant I see this all the time. What some managers don’t understand is that the right person for the job costs them less, much less, than the wrong person. The right person may cost more in salary or benefits, but their productivity will be exponentially greater than the wrong person. In some cases, one right person can do the work of two to three wrong people (not a hard and fast rule, and it doesn’t apply to all.) Instead of focusing on salary and benefits, focus first on what the role will be, the expectations of the role, and how you’d measure their success. Anyone who fits these parameters will have a relatively set market price… and it is what it is.

I’m working for a company that wants to prep for an acquisition but refuses to make the necessary changes. Should I keep them or just step away? See the question about making big changes. Aquisition is a big change and often affects the executive team more than the others. Fear of displacement, fear of loss of control, fear of what’s next, fear of failure all play a part. Often these groups will hold on to what they know and cite risks like “what will happen to the team”. Although it’s a legitimate concern, it’s not a concern that prohibits change… it’s a thought that requires reflection to determine that you want the end result to look like, then the plan. Whether you stay or not is based on your needs and goals. Is the job fulfilling your needs? Can you create and succeed with aggressive growth goals? Life is short and loving what you do is important. If you don’t love this job… start your exit strategy.

I’ve got a client that although I’ve made scope change expensive, still changes things weekly and expects the schedule to remain the same. They think money solves everything. What can I do? Next contract you need to put in not only cost factors to your change request process, but schedule factors. I recommend quality gates and risk management too… scope changes often affect quality which can impact schedule. There are some scope changes in which “more bodies”, thus simply more money, can solve. But not always. Keeping a very visible Risk Management system in place allows for open communication.

I love my significant other but cannot seem to communicate with them when I’m frustrated or when we don’t agree. It just becomes an argument. Then we ignore the topic for a while knowing it will come up later. First, read this. A real partnership will give you the peace and comfort to have conflict, but failing to resolve it will taint the relationship long-term. When you’re frustrated reflect and find the root cause. What is actually frustrating you? Share that with them but in a way that demonstrates your desire to resolve it… to fix the root cause. There may not be a simple or obvious fix, and this is usually the cause for frustration. If you can’t fix it, how do you resolve it? You find compromise or you reassess your priorities. Sometimes we want something even if it’s not aligned with long term goals, but short term wants. Be cognizant of this.

I want a life but my job keeps me too busy. How do I change that? See the question above on priorities. Think both long term goals and short term needs and look for a balance.

How do I know if I’ve met my soulmate? You share similar thoughts and similar views, you can talk about anything, you comfort each other, you’re protective of each other, you care about each other’s needs and goals, you have joy in seeing them smile, you’re okay with compromise, you enjoy the effort you put into growing the relationship. For me… it’s the one who can both comfort me and bring out my greatest passions and emotions.

I want to make my home a smart home, where do I start? Think about what you’re trying to solve for… what do you want to do, or see, or experience. Do you want the house to sense you’re home and start the kettle while opening the garage door? Do you want to dim the lights while starting a temperature controlled bath? Do you want the house to automatically arm the alarm, turn off all lights, and lock the door at bedtime? There are a lot of cool and useful things a smart home can do for you… but you have to start somewhere. Best place… what do you want to experience?

As always, some great questions from a variety of sources. If you have a question you’d like me to answer:

Have questions? Feel free to contact me. And, if you’re interested in working with me, check out my coaching programs.

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