I’m asked on many occasions to opine on dating/romantic relationships… its actions, steps, missteps, etc. Recently it was suggested I run a continuous feature base on Dating. I doubt you want my advice.
Why wouldn’t you want my advice? Because the questions I usually get elicit this response from me: Your partner is too much effort and not enough value. Move on.
I’m an INTJ and we aren’t known for our warm and fuzzy feelings. We find a clever and interesting connection attractive, and absolutely abhor drama and/or emotional immaturity. We are very open minded and love learning, but by asking questions and expecting depth in the answers. We require significant substance and “value” in the people we share time with. We are difficult people to date, and we find almost everyone difficult to trust. So really, you still want my advice?
- How do I get an INTJ to fall in love with me? Whoa is you. If you’re lucky, you met them in a way that gave you lots and lots of opportunity to chat without weight or obligation. This means you didn’t meet them via a dating ritual (online dating site, out with friends, breathing on your own.) When the INTJ has a purpose for conversation it becomes easy and efficient for them. This initial purpose allows for a slow approach to developing an interest and deciding if a connection exists. IF, and only if, a connection is present will the INTJ consider building some trust between you two. The only way an INTJ will “fall in love” is if they trust you. How do you know they trust you? You know some of their expressed vulnerabilities. Expressed means they actually told you. Please don’t assume you know what they are. You’re wrong. An INTJ will only allow you to see what they want you to see. Can you make them fall in love with you without a mutual connection? No. Will they love you if they cannot trust you? No. For more on how an INTJ develops emotional connections, click here. I’d suggest enjoying any relationship with them they’re choosing to share with you and if a connection and trust develops you take it from there. I hope you’re strong, fearless, secure, witty, open-minded, authentic, and clever.
- My BF/GF lies to me about what they’re doing; what should I do? My premise for any relationship is trust. Without it you have nothing. Not .A.Thing. If your SO lies, you have two options: 1) Understand why they’re lying and help them through this insecurity, or 2) Leave. More often than not, Option 2 is the right choice. Benign circumstances and immaterial situations are the rare times Option 1 would apply. Even those are difficult to assess unless your SO is authentic and emotionally mature. Being an INTJ I like resolution/closure. So I’d want to understand the lie and the “why” behind it. I’d be realistic on whether the lie affected my trust, or not. If you’re emotionally secure and have a resilient emotional response, you can do this too. If you’re emotionally insecure, I suggest Option 2. Keep it simple.
- I seem to be a low priority with my BF/GF; what should I do? Leave. Relationships are meant to add value and complement your life. If they don’t, then you don’t actually have a relationship. There are situations in which seeing this might be difficult, but if you’re asking yourself this question, then you know the answer. I once had a friend/mentor tell me that my personality was most attracted to puzzles and solving them (since I love learning and need cognitive stimulation), when I should be attracted to someone who seduces me and is capable of making my brain stay in the present and enjoy the moment. Obviously this person would make me a priority in their life. Make no mistake, as an INTJ we expect success and constant movement/grow in the lives of those we relate to. So work and hobbies are seen as very high priorities and in the practical sense “top priorities” for a moment. This does not discount you, their SO or perspective SO, being the top relationship priority in their life. If they fail to act that way, leave. They are no value to you.
- My BF/GF always wants to know what’s up with me, spend time with me, get to know me. It’s moving too fast. What should I do? Moving too fast? Relationships move forward, fast or slow is subjective and you need to ask yourself why you think it’s “fast” or “slow”. Your subjective opinion is yours, not theirs. You want or need something different. Different isn’t bad, or good, it just is. If this person is amazing, communicate and resolve your hesitations. You may realize that you’re incapable of having the relationship. You can either choose to grow up and mature (smart choice), or leave them. If they’re amazing, work on you, grow up, be fearless. If you don’t fix yourself, you will continue to fail in future relationships.
- My BF/GF never spends time with me, never asks questions, doesn’t seem like they even want to know me. What do I do? Same as above… fast or slow is subjective. This one is easier though… you should communicate first. Ask them why they aren’t very communicative. Maybe, like me, they’re introverts. If you open up a safe and stimulating environment for conversation they should open up more and share. If they respond with being busy, not being “big talkers”, etc… meaning giving you an excuse… then leave. They are of no value to you and are immature cowards. Many people aren’t emotionally secure and respond with fear. You don’t want a relationship with them.
- I don’t think my BF/GF finds me attractive. What do I do? Did they tell you this, or are you assuming? Don’t ever assume, anything. If they said you’re not attractive, believe them and leave. If they said they do find you attractive, ask yourself why you don’t believe them. Are their actions contradictory? Do they say you’re attractive yet give their attention elsewhere? Do they say you’re attractive yet comment on liking a different look (shorter hair, different body style, etc). Words and actions have to be authentic and coincide with each other. But if they say they find you attractive, and they act like they find you attractive, then relax and enjoy that they mean it!
- My BG/GF and I are always arguing. What should I do? When clients tell me they’re “always arguing” it means they’re never resolving the conflict. One or both of them are emotionally immature or poor communicators, or both. If both parties are afflicted with this level of instability then you will have very difficult time resolving the conflicts without external support (like a coach). Simply leaving the relationship will not make you stronger, fearless, or resilient. Only personal growth in emotional stability and communication will. You may need to end the relationship if your partner will not take personal responsibility and grow their own resilience, but that’s irrelevant. You own your emotional response and your communication capabilities.
- I’m engaged to a girl but my mind is still fixed for someone else. What should I do? Is it ok till I get married? What? Are you for real? You love who you love, and it’s a shame for you that you appear to love two people at the same time. However, for the sanity of the one you proposed to, you need to resolve this. Why did you propose to the fiance? Wanting to be married, or just “loving her” isn’t a good enough answer. Marriage is a legal commitment and a very strong emotional commitment. I fail to see how you resolved this attachment to this other women when you were deciding to propose. If you cannot get the other women out of your head, I’d suggest you break off the engagement, now. And don’t drag your fiance into it by sharing this revelation with her. She doesn’t deserve any more of your immaturity. Be honest, say “I’m not emotionally ready for this level of commitment and I am so sorry to have brought you this far into it.” If she’s an INTJ she will want answers for closure, but this is not the time to hurt her. If it were me, you stating that you’re not authentic, have lied to me, and have no desire to grow up would be enough for me to move on. All honest answers, but they don’t hurt her… they just hurt you.
- If a woman I have been seeing doesn’t call me or text while she has been away for 5 days, is she saying she’s done? No, she’s simply not saying anything. Never assume. Instead of assuming, communicate. Reach out, say Hi, call her. If she continues to ignore your attempts to communicate, and she doesn’t have a fantastic reason (like being in some remote country or hospitalized), then just say “goodbye”. She could be very busy and overwhelmed with her situation, and if you two are in the early stages of your relationship she may not feel comfortable sharing this stress with you. The other side is that you’re further along in the relationship and she doesn’t know how to end it. Some people, most people, are emotionally immature and poor communicators. You can give her time and space, facilitating emotional stability and keeping communication open, or not. If she’s amazing, give her some options and effort, otherwise move on.
- I’m dating two guys. Who do I choose? The one that makes you laugh, kisses your forehead, apologizes, always makes an effort to improve himself, is affectionate in public, works hard and is successful, and attempts to understand you. If it were me, I’d have to add having a very strong cognitive connection, and a very clever partner. Very, very few people will address all those things stated above. If both your men do, whoa is you… hard is your choice 😉
- How can I express love to my girlfriend? It depends on both of your communication styles, but primarily hers. Communication requires two main attributes 1) your level of emotional maturity, and 2) your ability to communicate by knowing what your audience needs to hear to understand what you’re thinking. Both are not light topics, but I have a few articles to get you started. Start with knowing who you are and what’s important to you, your authentic self. Then share how you feel in a way that she needs to hear/see it. Experiment, see what works with her, and don’t give up. Nothing is more wonderful than sharing love.
- What do you give when you have nothing to give? Nothing you have is more valuable than your authentic self. When you share that, fearlessly, it’s the best gift ever. However, most people haven’t figured out who their authentic self is. They haven’t developed emotional resilience. They let fear guide their responses. Those people look to “gifts” and often worry about having “nothing to give.” Read up on my Leadership Series and develop the best you. You don’t need to be perfect, at all, but when you’re working on yourself you have so much more to offer.
So there, the Dirty Dozen, primarily taken from questions sent to me via Ask Me Anything or asked of me within Quora. Have more questions you want answered by a snarky INTJ? Ask them here…